Battle Between Heart and Mind

All my brain and heart do is contradict each other.  Speaking the same language but being different at the same time.  Believing the same things but having a hard time with what each say.  It's so difficult to know that God is there and miracles happen when for 6 years nothing has happened.  However I'm pretty sure I know why.  My heart has been guarded in a way so that I don't get hurt.  Which in a way it's hurt all the time.  For some reason I know what I need to do but my heart can't give in, to open up.  To completely let go, to give it all up to God.  I don't know what my first step should be.  I don't know where to start.  Just talking with God.  Reading the Bible.  I know with all my heart and mind what I should do, to give it up to God.  I'm angry and heart broken thinking that things happen to the people in the Bible and hoping that it would happen to me but never having it happening.  My heart just can't believe can't hope anymore.  I NEED to let it go but I'm not sure of the steps that I should take.  It's so much easier to write about this then to ever talk about it with someone, with Pastor.  I've talked about it with Bill but I can't anymore.  I feel like I always talk about it.  I'm so happy though that Bill and I have started the adoption/fostering process but I so wanted with all my heart to have my own kids.  To know the feeling that everyone else has been able to feel.  To anyone that reads this and has kids don't take for granted that you were able to have children and get pregnant easily or hard.  It is like no other to want it so badly and not be able to.