So for the past 3 years it's been extremely hard for me to watch children be born. In our area they were being born at such a rapid pace that it was like being stuck in the back with a knife every time I heard someone was pregnant. Which is wonderful news and I didn't mind hearing but it has been hard. Bill and I can't have kids the natural easy way that so many people take for granted. Seeing kids being born to others that shouldn't have kids was hard for me to take. I took all my anger and pain out on God and being mad at him asking him why Bill and I can't have any children but someone that is on drugs or who is an abuser can. So I've been in this rut for the last 3 years. Now you might say well why didn't you do something about it adopt or go through testing? Well it's because when I read the bible it always talked about the miracles that God did and helped women in the bible get pregnant. So I just kept hoping and praying that that was going to happen. Unfortunately it hasn't been the case so I just got more angry and depressed as time went by. I've been trying to come to grips with the reality and trying to remember that God has a plan I just can't see it...
So I received the saddest news today so far of my life. Bill and I have been trying to go down to DHS to drop off our packets to start the whole adoption process. We have even bought smoke detectors/co2 detectors for all the bedrooms and the kitchen and all the child protector things for doors and cupboards. Really for the home inspection making sure we are code with what they want so they don't deny us.
Moving on...Each time we went to DHS Pat wasn't there so this time we left a message for her to give us a call so we could set up an appointment to drop it off and talk. We did that last week before we left on vacation. We didn't receive word so we were going to give it until Monday and then call down there but the phone call came today.
I jumped up went to the back room (I was at work) and started talking to her. Stacy apologized for not getting back to us sooner and then apologized for the bad news she was going to give me. She told me that because of cutbacks they were no longer at this time down adoption work and home studies. They didn't have a spare person to be able to do go around and do the home study portion which means Bill and I would have to go through a private adoption agency and she gave me the names and numbers for about 5 of them.
Now that wouldn't be an issue if we had $25,000 lying around to spend on getting a child but unfortunately we don't and to tell you the absolute truth I don't want to spend that much just to get one child. I would rather spend it on the child itself. So at this moment in time it's pretty much done. We can't have kids, we can't adopt kids, we can't do anything but hope something will change. I know that Gods' plan is there and surrounding us but it's hard to hear the news and wonder what God has in store for us.
If you read this please pray for me and Bill to keep our hopes and strength up.
